The worst pain comes at night. It is swift like a river and sharp like a knife, cutting me open. As I lay, my heart exposed, it beats. It shakes my body just like I shake myself to wake up from this bittersweet trip. I pour music into my ears to drown out the noise. I close my eyes to stop seeing the pictures, but the dark canvas of my eyelids only offers a platform for darker demons to deter me. There is no escaping this type of pain, it cuts, it cuts deep. The only way to save yourself is to absorb each plunge into your heart like medicine. Have you ever run your hand under water so hot that it feels cold? Have you ever laughed so hard your stomach starts to hurt? Have you ever experienced pain so excruciating that it feels sweet, like a high? I feel it though. I would take feeling the worst pain any day over not feeling at all. It’s like the cloud around my head has lifted, and I feel the warmth of the sun while also being ruthlessly seared in its rays. Everything is so clear, everything is so clear. My pain is my strength. The most important part of my life is when I learned that discovering that my ability to give myself pain can lead to the greatest revival known to mankind.